your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
