Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
