you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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