you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
