I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
