Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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