Your face is a jimmy john
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
