remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
