Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
