If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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