my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
