mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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