I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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