I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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