areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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