My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
