Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
