Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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