i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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