if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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