Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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