I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
