i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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