I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
