The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
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He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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