Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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