Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
me + whiskey = a bad person
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
