bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
