i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
