You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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