Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
