why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
