When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I don't deserve a penis
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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