yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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