margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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