then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
