Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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