I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
