yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
