I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
