her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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