hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
