I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My butt remains clenched, sir.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
