i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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