Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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