he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
