is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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