I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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