True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
