You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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