Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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