I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
