She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
