Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
