and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
