is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
