I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
