hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
