I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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