"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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