Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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